the lost art of keeping a secret (from deleted myspace acct)

can you keep a secret?
because i surely can't
i looked me straight in the eyes
and i promised
and i SWORE
that i would not tell a soul
what i had just told myself
i said "do you trust me?"
and i said "of course"
but behind my back
my fingers were crossed
and i did not know it
i cannot keep this secret
although i swore i would
close your eyes please.
okay, here it goes:
"i love you i love you i love you i love you"

please dont tell me that i told you

living love in a mirror (from deleted myspace acct)

so, i whispered:
"I'll never, ever get over you
No matter what you say
No matter what you do"

we burned all the edges until
they were sealed up tight
and then we slipped away unnoticed by the crowds
back before the time things fell apart
a living dream: when he says he loves me
a deadly nightmare: when he says he loves me
i see my life before me but
my eyes seem blind to the TRUTH
each blink like a warped mirror
one blink, and im dead
the next, im alive

flip flip flip flip dead
shift shift wink alive

everyone knows heart ache
when you must burn the edges of a memory
until only the good parts are left
and then you slip away past the hurt,
unnoticed by the crowds
who will say "move on"
who will exclaim "that wont work!"
who will lie "your love has died"
but this is our moment,
we know we can go on like this forever
in this living dream: when I say I love you
in this deadly nightmare: when I say I love you
our eyes are the only ones that know the TRUTH

"I'll never, ever get over you
No matter what you say
No matter what you do"

: )

Main Entry: happy
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: in high spirits; satisfied
Synonyms: blessed, blest, blissful, blithe, can't complain, captivated, cheerful, chipper, chirpy, content, contented, convivial, delighted, ecstatic, elated, exultant, flying high, gay, glad, gleeful, gratified, intoxicated, jolly, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, looking good, merry, mirthful, on cloud nine, overjoyed, peaceful, peppy, perky, playful, pleasant, pleased, sparkling, sunny, thrilled, tickled, tickled pink, up, upbeat, walking on air


enough said! <3

the resurrection of the bunny king

so today is "easter." the day that christians believe that jesus broke through the bounds of death, stole the keys of death from satan and was resurrected once again. this may very well be true. i do not know, for i was not there and cannot dispute it. so as it stands, this story will be considered true.

however, my issue is not with easter (or christmas even) although i do not celebrate either. my issue is with people believing that it is remotely okay to put love in a box...i hear alot of people say "god is love." i hear songs, i see bumber stickers; hell, i used to say and believe such a thing myself. but i have come to realize that believing such a thing is detrimental to our over all spiritual well being. i prefer the phrase "love is god." saying it this way makes LOVE itself boundless.

LOVE. IS. GOD.

this means that ANY and EVERY act or display or thought or feeling of love IS GOD. anything done out of love i.e. hugs, gift giving, good thoughts, positive energy, etc. IS GOD. when you help an old lady cross the street that IS GOD. when you share yourself intimately with a friend or loved one that IS GOD. LOVE is god.

when you say "god is love" that to me seems to put a cap on it. or a box, if you will. it makes "god" the focus and love his/her/its action seem like an after thought. it makes love second to the entity of "god" which to me defeats the entire purpose of love itself. love just is. love always will be and always has been. LOVE. IS. GOD. not the other way around.

so back to the resurrection of the bunny king. i believe that jesus came here for a purpose as we all do. although i cannot say that i believe he died in order to shoulder the entire weight of sin for every man, woman and child born and unborn. i believe that the life he lived (the life that was reported to us) seems like an amazing example of how to live and die with the mantra of LOVE. IS. GOD. every act reported about him seemed to be of love, compassion, and justice which are all highly commended traits; worthy of emulation. he seemed to be an extremely honorable and honest man; also commendable traits.

but believing that he is solely responsible for whether I (who can make my own decisions, think my own thoughts, believe my own beliefs) make it into "heaven" or not is totally preposterous. he was responsible for himself as we all are. of course we are influenced by family, friends, schooling, etc but we have free will. we are capable of deciding for ourselves how we want to live and for the most part die. trying to tell me that i was born into a world where my fate, path and/or destiny is already decided for me, is offensive to me. i make myself. and no one else. to tell me that someone died for me (when i did not ask them to, first off) and if i do not chose to believe that, then i will spend an entire forever in hell is also offensive to me. i am free and i love freely and if that doesnt get me into heaven, then i DO NOT WANT TO GO.

i will not live within the bounds of a guilt trip. so give me the candy or go away.

<3

Please could you stop the noise, im tryna get some rest

i slept in my car again that night. it was punishment for going back to my own shit and believing that i could use it for nourishment.

it is a waste. as it always has been and as it always will be.

i will sleep in my car again and again and again until i get this right!!!

i am like a drug addict. i keep returning to the same fucked up scenario. the same fucked up place. the same fucked up time. living my life by the same fucked up, disfunctional rules. i am "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." and according to einstein, who i deeply admire, that makes me INSANE. i want to be free and i see the light at the end of the tunnel but what is it about me that makes me so cowardly that i cannot BREAK OUT???

i traveled across the country on a bus; i sang in front of a park full of people; i moved to a different state on my own; ive flipped off freight truck drivers (and not just once); i am brave. i've got balls. no one has EVER accused me of taking the easy road or "punking out." so what is it about THIS THING that keeps me coming back for more?

("it caaaant be love...for there iiiis no true love." oooh, jack white. how i'd love to have your babies.)

one day i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that i can make it. and then the next i am on my back again. literally. why?

one day i can recall, picture perfectly, all the reasons why i should run like hell and never return. and then the next i am back where i started from. on my back and hypnotized again. why?

one day i am waking up in my car, newly reminded of what i must do to be free and happy. and the next i am trapped again; holding the key to my life in my hand but afraid to use it. why?

it is a cycle. it never ends. i am trapped forever. no one can save me. and anyone who has ever tried has either been hurt or has realized that it is ME who is stopping me. and they can do nothing but stand back and watch. and hope. as i always hope.

so IF and when i break free, you will be the first to know about it. <3

i'm not in love. but. im gonna fuck you. til. somebody better. comes along.

dont know what's been up with me lately, but i've been on this marilyn manson kick...back in 9th and part of 10th grade i was greatly obsessed with this crazy androgenous man, his crazy lyrics, band and life. i read his biography "long road out of hell" in about a week. i made collages out of his magazine pics, articles and i had an extremely striking poster on my wall; caddy-cornered so it looked like he would jump out at you at any moment. this was mostly influenced by my boyfriend at the time. he loved marilyn so i loved marilyn. the young and impressionable. pray for them.

most of marilyn's lyrics i dont believe in, bc i DO believe in god. but i guess im attracted to his uniqueness and passion. i like his boldness and creative ability to express what he feels is wrong with society. ive heard that he helps lead the church of satan. if that's the case, poor him. why would anyone want to be on the team thats going to loose? to each his own i guess.

well i think i can get through this kick without being dragged over to the dark side...maybe? : )
<3

everything had changed. everything was strange.

so last weekend i went to tennessee to visit my friend, jake. it was BEAUTIFUL. sometime late last year i'd heard that I-40 heading into TN from NC was shut down due to a rock slide that they have yet to fix. so i was already mentally prepared for a detour. wasnt quite sure what the hike would be like, detour or no, but i knew itd be an adventure nonetheless.
instead of going through asheville like i was suppose to, i ended up taking highway 209 which was 30 miles of twisting, winding, sometimes snowy, sometimes one-laned, up hill, mountainous, sharp turning road...i thought it would never end and a few times, i thought i would die. ppl even PASSED me at the sharpest turns and i knew for sure that THEY would die...but no one did. i was suprised.
well i finally got to cosby, tn after stopping in hotsprings, nc at a library to recharge my phone and gps which had both died at the same time and at the most trecherous part of the trek.
jake's house was AMAZING. it's got 2 stories (the second, he built himself), it's in the moutains, of course, which made the view almost overwhelmingly beautiful. it was a place id always associated with getting-away. it amazed me that a good friend actually LIVED there. 24/7.
well, over the course of the weekend, we drove around the mountains for 4 hours. i got to walk part of the appalachian trail. we went to dinner and a movie in knoxville (go see THE CRAZIES), we went hot tubbing OUTSIDE in hotsprings, climbed an insanely high radio tower (while it was snowing. idk how we didnt die), and i finished my 10 page paper for grad school. lol
well on the way home, i finally went the right way and stopped in asheville. 5 words: WHY DONT I LIVE THERE!?! maybe after graduate school i can move there. i am beyond convinced that my soul lives there and is crying every day bc my body has abandoned it. i will rectify this error sooner than soon.
<3