i slept in my car again that night. it was punishment for going back to my own shit and believing that i could use it for nourishment.
it is a waste. as it always has been and as it always will be.
i will sleep in my car again and again and again until i get this right!!!
i am like a drug addict. i keep returning to the same fucked up scenario. the same fucked up place. the same fucked up time. living my life by the same fucked up, disfunctional rules. i am "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." and according to einstein, who i deeply admire, that makes me INSANE. i want to be free and i see the light at the end of the tunnel but what is it about me that makes me so cowardly that i cannot BREAK OUT???
i traveled across the country on a bus; i sang in front of a park full of people; i moved to a different state on my own; ive flipped off freight truck drivers (and not just once); i am brave. i've got balls. no one has EVER accused me of taking the easy road or "punking out." so what is it about THIS THING that keeps me coming back for more?
("it caaaant be love...for there iiiis no true love." oooh, jack white. how i'd love to have your babies.)
one day i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that i can make it. and then the next i am on my back again. literally. why?
one day i can recall, picture perfectly, all the reasons why i should run like hell and never return. and then the next i am back where i started from. on my back and hypnotized again. why?
one day i am waking up in my car, newly reminded of what i must do to be free and happy. and the next i am trapped again; holding the key to my life in my hand but afraid to use it. why?
it is a cycle. it never ends. i am trapped forever. no one can save me. and anyone who has ever tried has either been hurt or has realized that it is ME who is stopping me. and they can do nothing but stand back and watch. and hope. as i always hope.
so IF and when i break free, you will be the first to know about it. <3
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