"only time will tell if ill allow the scenery around to eat me alive"

"i wanna sleep for weeks like a dog at his feet, even though i know it wont work out in the long ruuuun!"- man man

i am in love with, or obsessed with, rather, a new band. man man. they are amazing. reminds me of a not-so-polished modest mouse which is what makes me love them. i would loooove to get the discography...but i am not able to at this moment which is a perfect segue for main topic of this blog....

i have blogged previously about my ups and downs with my exboyfriend. although the contents was rather cryptic and morbid as in "could you please stop the noise, im tryna get some rest" or all the poems i saved from my deleted myspace acct, id like to be completely blunt and straight forward about everything now. i believe that itll be cathartic and help me to move on to my impending BRIGHTER FUTURE. : )

so after the fiasco that occurred 3 years ago (he decided he was "scared" and didnt want to marry me RIGHT BEFORE i grad'ed college and we were suppose to start working toward such. it was alot of unneccessary drama and i shant go into now) we have been in, what i like to call, relationship-limbo. he wanted "forever cake" which is to say: he wanted his cake and he wanted to eat it too. he wanted to be able to remain friends, but still do the things that dating ppl do. and i was fine with this, overall. there were moments when i would complain about it or flat out revolt against it, but it never got me anywhere.

sleeping in your car to prove a point does nothing. trust me, i know.

what i realized was that even though i desperately needed to change. for my own sake and for his, i never really had a reason to do so. because there seemed to be nothing promising in sight to make the change for, i just never did it and never did it...and never...did...it. until last week.

something amazing happened to me over 2 blogs ago and i am not yet ready to express it in full detail in such a public forum (although i am convinced that not even my followers read this.) but i will just say, that it gave me just enough hope needed to make the change i so desired.

i was texting my ex, and everything was going fine. then i said something (what, i dont remember) that made him take a second and ask if something was wrong. he knows me well enough to pick up on things via text. it had been 10 years since the friendship began and 7 since we started dating, so it made sense that he was able to do this. i eventually got around to expressing my lack of interest in our relationship-limbo, and although i had done this many times...something was veeeeery different. i know he could tell and i could certainly tell. i think my text held the hope that i had recently been granted. and just as he knew something was wrong after a vaguely off response, he knew that something was different with this ultimatum.

well not to get bogged down with detail i eventually told him that i didnt want to do whatever it was that we were doing anymore. that i either wanted to be friends or not and that he couldnt have his forever cake. i told him that we could aaaalways be friends but it was up to him. we could be friends but that meant FRIENDS. no sex, no strings attached or we could date again and try afresh. and of course he is stubborn and would rather have his forever cake or nothing at all. so my past visit to columbia, didnt involve him, which was a first after aaaaaall these years and oddly i wasnt at all sad about it.

wait, i take that back. i DID get kinda sad one night but i talked to my mother and someone else...and every thing was a-ok again! ; )

i think it is simply amazing what we can do and overcome as humans when we are given HOPE.

<3

there is only one path to heaven. on earth, we call it love.

i honestly dont know what to blog about.

no, that is a lie. i DO know what, i just dont know HOW.

how do you describe it in english (or ANY language for that matter) when you feel like the entire universe has housed itself inside of you?

when your eyes feel like stars burning bright for all of eternity?

when your bones feel like the roots of every tree that has every grown on this planet and the next?

when your soul feels like the biggest, whitest, fullest cloud to ever grace the sky?

HOW?

for those who have ever been in love, you know that i am at a loss and words are unneccesary. and for those of you that havent, you could not POSSIBLY understand what im saying and words are unneccesary.

lies (from deleted myspace acct)

lies:
they're usually subtle
little signs that creep up
first at your toes
we cast shadows to hide them
but soon everyone knows

who could ignore the vines growing from our bones?
hiding every whispered word
like:

looooove

and:

foreveeeeer

so am i to be your secret now?
hiding my car in the dark
while you scope things out?

i get to be the unspoken words
i get to be the forbiden thoughts

but when i was alive
and breathed only to hold you up
i was the black hole
i was the empty cup

lies are like vines
they choke me
as they grow

and he whispered "i love you"
as he let.me.go.


-associating love with lies is undoubtably the beginning of the end

we defend ourselves (from deleted myspace acct)

i've decided to agree
that bitterness rots the bones
still my heart screams
"but it's such a comfort when you're alone!"

we defend ourselves:
remember how
i lost count after
the millionth smoky breath?

and remember how
i forgave
the millionth death
you caused
.i.n.s.i.d.e. myself?

and when i said "it's time for forever."
you made me scratch the surface
for a clue to your doubt?

and he said
"baby, we're not ready. we dont know what life's about."

this was the beginning of the end

have you ever felt so heavy inside?
turned inside out
like the only black hole in the entire world?
unraveled
and stretched across the sky
with no hands
cause the ones you knew
flew away
long ago?

we defend ourselves:
now we live in this world
uncovered and all alone
the garden burned away
and i ran to him
but he was not home

i wrote this during the long drive home (from deleted mypace acct)

there have been zombies
roaming about in this room
.g.n.a.w.i.n.g. away
on broken bones
while my troubled heart pumps unnecessary b l o o d
through a myriad of tired veins
I can see

(hear?)
(taste?)
(smell?)

them.
Plainly.

i remember crying about this long ago
preparing for a funeral that would surely not occur

(who is foolish enough to bury the undead?)

i said "sorry" so hard
from so deep down
until the word itself had no coherent grounding

(who can comprehend "sorry" after the millionth time?)

.emotions.
they gnawed
and i simply assumed that
i'd just have to come undone

but:but:but:

love is not at.all.like a sweater
when i pulled that string
everything i knew became unraveled
every ounce of time
and space
and memory
erased
and all stretched out
into this singular line
i grant you permission
to call it my life

free verse without all the fluff (from deleted myspace acct)

it fluctuates:
one day i cannot see the fine line
between his mask and his eyes
but i know it still exists
more real than the pain
he knows he cant hide
from me
but he's human
he wavers
and the next day i find
that his mask has shattered
and his eyes are
so.clearly.hurt
should i be honored
that only i get to see it?
or rather:
should i be ashamed that i
very much caused it?

the lost art of keeping a secret (from deleted myspace acct)

can you keep a secret?
because i surely can't
i looked me straight in the eyes
and i promised
and i SWORE
that i would not tell a soul
what i had just told myself
i said "do you trust me?"
and i said "of course"
but behind my back
my fingers were crossed
and i did not know it
i cannot keep this secret
although i swore i would
close your eyes please.
okay, here it goes:
"i love you i love you i love you i love you"

please dont tell me that i told you

living love in a mirror (from deleted myspace acct)

so, i whispered:
"I'll never, ever get over you
No matter what you say
No matter what you do"

we burned all the edges until
they were sealed up tight
and then we slipped away unnoticed by the crowds
back before the time things fell apart
a living dream: when he says he loves me
a deadly nightmare: when he says he loves me
i see my life before me but
my eyes seem blind to the TRUTH
each blink like a warped mirror
one blink, and im dead
the next, im alive

flip flip flip flip dead
shift shift wink alive

everyone knows heart ache
when you must burn the edges of a memory
until only the good parts are left
and then you slip away past the hurt,
unnoticed by the crowds
who will say "move on"
who will exclaim "that wont work!"
who will lie "your love has died"
but this is our moment,
we know we can go on like this forever
in this living dream: when I say I love you
in this deadly nightmare: when I say I love you
our eyes are the only ones that know the TRUTH

"I'll never, ever get over you
No matter what you say
No matter what you do"

: )

Main Entry: happy
Part of Speech: adjective
Definition: in high spirits; satisfied
Synonyms: blessed, blest, blissful, blithe, can't complain, captivated, cheerful, chipper, chirpy, content, contented, convivial, delighted, ecstatic, elated, exultant, flying high, gay, glad, gleeful, gratified, intoxicated, jolly, joyful, joyous, jubilant, laughing, light, lively, looking good, merry, mirthful, on cloud nine, overjoyed, peaceful, peppy, perky, playful, pleasant, pleased, sparkling, sunny, thrilled, tickled, tickled pink, up, upbeat, walking on air


enough said! <3

the resurrection of the bunny king

so today is "easter." the day that christians believe that jesus broke through the bounds of death, stole the keys of death from satan and was resurrected once again. this may very well be true. i do not know, for i was not there and cannot dispute it. so as it stands, this story will be considered true.

however, my issue is not with easter (or christmas even) although i do not celebrate either. my issue is with people believing that it is remotely okay to put love in a box...i hear alot of people say "god is love." i hear songs, i see bumber stickers; hell, i used to say and believe such a thing myself. but i have come to realize that believing such a thing is detrimental to our over all spiritual well being. i prefer the phrase "love is god." saying it this way makes LOVE itself boundless.

LOVE. IS. GOD.

this means that ANY and EVERY act or display or thought or feeling of love IS GOD. anything done out of love i.e. hugs, gift giving, good thoughts, positive energy, etc. IS GOD. when you help an old lady cross the street that IS GOD. when you share yourself intimately with a friend or loved one that IS GOD. LOVE is god.

when you say "god is love" that to me seems to put a cap on it. or a box, if you will. it makes "god" the focus and love his/her/its action seem like an after thought. it makes love second to the entity of "god" which to me defeats the entire purpose of love itself. love just is. love always will be and always has been. LOVE. IS. GOD. not the other way around.

so back to the resurrection of the bunny king. i believe that jesus came here for a purpose as we all do. although i cannot say that i believe he died in order to shoulder the entire weight of sin for every man, woman and child born and unborn. i believe that the life he lived (the life that was reported to us) seems like an amazing example of how to live and die with the mantra of LOVE. IS. GOD. every act reported about him seemed to be of love, compassion, and justice which are all highly commended traits; worthy of emulation. he seemed to be an extremely honorable and honest man; also commendable traits.

but believing that he is solely responsible for whether I (who can make my own decisions, think my own thoughts, believe my own beliefs) make it into "heaven" or not is totally preposterous. he was responsible for himself as we all are. of course we are influenced by family, friends, schooling, etc but we have free will. we are capable of deciding for ourselves how we want to live and for the most part die. trying to tell me that i was born into a world where my fate, path and/or destiny is already decided for me, is offensive to me. i make myself. and no one else. to tell me that someone died for me (when i did not ask them to, first off) and if i do not chose to believe that, then i will spend an entire forever in hell is also offensive to me. i am free and i love freely and if that doesnt get me into heaven, then i DO NOT WANT TO GO.

i will not live within the bounds of a guilt trip. so give me the candy or go away.

<3

Please could you stop the noise, im tryna get some rest

i slept in my car again that night. it was punishment for going back to my own shit and believing that i could use it for nourishment.

it is a waste. as it always has been and as it always will be.

i will sleep in my car again and again and again until i get this right!!!

i am like a drug addict. i keep returning to the same fucked up scenario. the same fucked up place. the same fucked up time. living my life by the same fucked up, disfunctional rules. i am "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." and according to einstein, who i deeply admire, that makes me INSANE. i want to be free and i see the light at the end of the tunnel but what is it about me that makes me so cowardly that i cannot BREAK OUT???

i traveled across the country on a bus; i sang in front of a park full of people; i moved to a different state on my own; ive flipped off freight truck drivers (and not just once); i am brave. i've got balls. no one has EVER accused me of taking the easy road or "punking out." so what is it about THIS THING that keeps me coming back for more?

("it caaaant be love...for there iiiis no true love." oooh, jack white. how i'd love to have your babies.)

one day i know, without a shadow of a doubt, that i can make it. and then the next i am on my back again. literally. why?

one day i can recall, picture perfectly, all the reasons why i should run like hell and never return. and then the next i am back where i started from. on my back and hypnotized again. why?

one day i am waking up in my car, newly reminded of what i must do to be free and happy. and the next i am trapped again; holding the key to my life in my hand but afraid to use it. why?

it is a cycle. it never ends. i am trapped forever. no one can save me. and anyone who has ever tried has either been hurt or has realized that it is ME who is stopping me. and they can do nothing but stand back and watch. and hope. as i always hope.

so IF and when i break free, you will be the first to know about it. <3