"i wanna sleep for weeks like a dog at his feet, even though i know it wont work out in the long ruuuun!"- man man
i am in love with, or obsessed with, rather, a new band. man man. they are amazing. reminds me of a not-so-polished modest mouse which is what makes me love them. i would loooove to get the discography...but i am not able to at this moment which is a perfect segue for main topic of this blog....
i have blogged previously about my ups and downs with my exboyfriend. although the contents was rather cryptic and morbid as in "could you please stop the noise, im tryna get some rest" or all the poems i saved from my deleted myspace acct, id like to be completely blunt and straight forward about everything now. i believe that itll be cathartic and help me to move on to my impending BRIGHTER FUTURE. : )
so after the fiasco that occurred 3 years ago (he decided he was "scared" and didnt want to marry me RIGHT BEFORE i grad'ed college and we were suppose to start working toward such. it was alot of unneccessary drama and i shant go into now) we have been in, what i like to call, relationship-limbo. he wanted "forever cake" which is to say: he wanted his cake and he wanted to eat it too. he wanted to be able to remain friends, but still do the things that dating ppl do. and i was fine with this, overall. there were moments when i would complain about it or flat out revolt against it, but it never got me anywhere.
sleeping in your car to prove a point does nothing. trust me, i know.
what i realized was that even though i desperately needed to change. for my own sake and for his, i never really had a reason to do so. because there seemed to be nothing promising in sight to make the change for, i just never did it and never did it...and never...did...it. until last week.
something amazing happened to me over 2 blogs ago and i am not yet ready to express it in full detail in such a public forum (although i am convinced that not even my followers read this.) but i will just say, that it gave me just enough hope needed to make the change i so desired.
i was texting my ex, and everything was going fine. then i said something (what, i dont remember) that made him take a second and ask if something was wrong. he knows me well enough to pick up on things via text. it had been 10 years since the friendship began and 7 since we started dating, so it made sense that he was able to do this. i eventually got around to expressing my lack of interest in our relationship-limbo, and although i had done this many times...something was veeeeery different. i know he could tell and i could certainly tell. i think my text held the hope that i had recently been granted. and just as he knew something was wrong after a vaguely off response, he knew that something was different with this ultimatum.
well not to get bogged down with detail i eventually told him that i didnt want to do whatever it was that we were doing anymore. that i either wanted to be friends or not and that he couldnt have his forever cake. i told him that we could aaaalways be friends but it was up to him. we could be friends but that meant FRIENDS. no sex, no strings attached or we could date again and try afresh. and of course he is stubborn and would rather have his forever cake or nothing at all. so my past visit to columbia, didnt involve him, which was a first after aaaaaall these years and oddly i wasnt at all sad about it.
wait, i take that back. i DID get kinda sad one night but i talked to my mother and someone else...and every thing was a-ok again! ; )
i think it is simply amazing what we can do and overcome as humans when we are given HOPE.
<3
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